So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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