Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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