she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
