Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
