it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
