I murdered the dance floor call the cops
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
