I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
