i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
this boner is exhausting
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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