you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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