I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
