I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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