I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
