Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
