The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
