i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
