I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Randomize
