Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
