Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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