I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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