I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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