when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
