if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
