I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
