I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
