I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
