apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
