I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
