Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
