I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
