Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
