We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
