the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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