I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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