I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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