I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
