one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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