Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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