My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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