Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
