Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
