No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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