He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
