is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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