Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
