I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
