1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
