The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
