apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
