I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
