Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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