I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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