Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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