you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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