People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
