What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
