This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
