I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The beer is more important than you right now.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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