So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
