My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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