Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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