I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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