All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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