3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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